TV
One morning recently I turned on the television and was confronted by a none-too-attractive woman, of ample frontage and loud voice, presenting one of the plethora of property programmes which crowd the daytime TV listings. Programmes about buying, selling, renovating, ruining or destroying inoffensive houses! She opened with the memorable line “Good morning, I’m on the Isle of Dogs!” Very appropriate, I thought!
Another house viewing programme, this time with two blokes listening in whilst prospective purchasers walk around and make comments.”Oh look,” says the woman, “There’s a Muriel on the wall!”
Ceefax
Hit-and-run lorry-driver wanted
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Old Charles Kennedy of the Lib Dems must be perplexed. According to Ceefax “his wife Sarah gave birth to a boy named Donald James”.In his place I’d be asking some questions!
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Headline: Straw set for US talks with Rice
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Headline: Four men held over bomb
The Internet
The Poor LawUnder the Poor Law every parish had had the responsibility of looking after its own poor, and seeing that they had the bare minimum of shelter, food, clothing and medical attention. (Wikipedia)
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Tie me kangaroo down sportG’day, I see yer next door neebour’s young fella came ta visit yeez. Jeez musta bin good! That young fellow came here a few years back an’ he was in Wagga Wagga on a day yez could fry eggs on the road. He was wearing a fox fur hat all the living day, sweat trickling down his brow. An Aussie with one too many says to him; “Hey Mate watt yez wearin’ dat dam fur hat for on a day like this?” He replied:”When I was leaving Buckingham Palace, mummy was coming in and she said ‘Where are you going to son?’ and I said ‘To Wagga Wagga’ and I’m certain she said, ‘wear the fox hat’. (www.rossespoint.com)
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“If a man is talking in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?”
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Noah’s Ark … in the 21st Century
And lo, In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.”Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?””Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “Looks like the government beat me to it.”(www.ecademy.com)